Jodi Arias’ Post Allocution interview with NBC’s Diana Alvear, May 21st, 2013, after being wrongfully convicted of 1st degree murder.
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D.A: The first question I wanna ask you is, why agree to do an interview before you even know what your sentence is?
J.A: Well, I felt obligated because I made a verbal agreement and I felt overly obligated this time because there have been.. there’s been so much…um…how do I say it? So much…sorry I’m drawing a blank. But my credibility was in the toilette basically. And because I made this agreement I felt oh, I definitely have to keep this agreement because you know.. I’m not this person that lies all the time.
D.A: So this interview is a chance to set the record straight?
J.A: Well, I guess it’s more about.. I mean if I had an agenda,my agenda for the interviews would be to bring awareness to Domestic Violence .That’s my.. That’s kind of like my mission now.
D.A: You said that.. I heard you earlier and you said that you were speaking the truth but today to the Jury you told them ‘’I admit, I’ve said many lies before’’ .So, which one is it?
J.A: Well…I think the difference is that I’m not..I’m not still lying about lying. I’ve lied. That was years ago. And whether or not I’m believable to the public is not important to me. I just know that I need to go forward. That’s all I can do.
D.A: Do you think you committed a crime?
J.A: I think I should pass on that question.
D.A: OK. I know that you’ve said that this was all in self defense that terrible night in 2008..
D.A: …um.. If it was self defense though, what would you have done differently that day? I know you’ve said that you wouldn’t have gone over in the first place but let’s say what would you have done differently in the heat of the moment?
J.A: Well, it’s hard to… I know what I would do now but in the heat of the moment..
D.A: What would you do?
J.A: OK. In the heat of the moment I wasn’t thinking but the thing that would have made the most sense is to go left instead of right. And run out of there. I can’t say. I was panicked, I was scared it was the heat of the moment.
D.A: If it was self defense, did Travis deserve to die?
J.A: I don’t believe that Travis deserved to die. I don’t recall, I do have memory gaps and I wish that I could take back everything that happened. I never believed that he deserved to die. I flashed and I reacted and… here I am and a lot of people have been hurt in the process and if I could take that back I would do that in a second.
D.A: You were placed on suicide watch but were you ever truly suicidal?
J.A: Um, there were times, yes.
D.A: I’m talking about post verdict when you were placed on suicide watch, were you ever truly suicidal?
J.A: Where I was gonna actually go do it? I don’t think so, no. But certainly the thought had crossed my mind ‘Could I do this? Could I do that?’ But no. I don’t think I was ever a real danger to myself, not immediate.
D.A: Today you begged the jury for your life.
J.A: Yes, that’s true.
J.A: It really has to do with my family. Um.. Sometimes I’m able to detach and think ‘Well, they’ll get over it, they’ll move on, it’s gonna hurt them but I can’t think about that because that’ll stop me, right?’ But now I cannot not think about it because there is still.. it’s just not right to do that. I’ve hurt so many people already and all I would be doing would be creating a whole bunch more pain.
D.A: I’ve heard you say that you relive what happened that day in 2008 over and over and over again. Do you dream about Travis?
J.A: I’ve had some dreams, yes. I’ve had some really difficult dreams about Travis but typically I don’t remember my nightmares. Sometimes I wake myself up screaming but I can’t really remember what it was, it fades very fast. Other times my roommates would report that I was screaming, or crying or kicking in my sleep or writhing but I have no memory of it.
D.A: Have you ever had any conversations with Travis in any dreams?
J.A: There was an interesting dream I had 2 weeks after I was arrested. And in my dream I walked into the holding tank where I was being housed in the jail in California and Travis was kicked back in one of the bunks and I stopped and I was really shocked and said ‘What are you doing here?’ and he just casually shrugged his shoulders and said ‘’We all have to do time for what we’ve done”.
D.A: I heard you say you pray. What do you pray for? Are you praying that the Jury is gonna spare your life?
J.A: Well…I can’t say I’m praying for that. I’m praying at this point for the best thing to happen and sometimes we don’t know what the best thing is even though we think we do. We know what we want but we don’t know if that’s the best thing. So, what I’m praying now is that the best thing happens and whatever happens will be that.
D.A: If you do get the Death Penalty, what’s gonna go through your mind?
J.A: I think I will be shell-shocked all over again but I have a very long-term perspective right now so it’s something that I will deal with.
D.A: Why did you choose to show your artwork to the Jury?
J.A: That was a choi…that was a recommendation by my attorneys so we just kept it limited, I have probably 50+ pieces and we picked out 7.
D.A: But what does your artwork say to the Jury? What does that say about you?
J.A: I think it was more to show the Jury ‘This is who I am and this is who I was prior to meeting Travis. That was the purpose of showing the artwork, was to show my family, show where I came from, and show what I do and that’s just one area that I feel I’ve excelled at in my life. So, it’s a part of me, it’s a part of my life, it’s a part of my existence therefore it was a part of the presentation.
D.A: It’s very possible that the Jury is gonna sentence you tomorrow. What do you deserve?
J.A: Um..I can’t really comment on that. What I receive will be what I deserve, I believe.
D.A: Will you be at peace with the Death Sentence?
J.A: It will be a sentence, it will not be necessarily going off to receive the Death Penalty immediately so I don’t know what a Death Sentence means.
D.A: How did you feel when you heard Juan Martinez say ‘Travis Alexander will always be 30 years old’’ because you killed him?
J.A: That’s something I’ve thought about over the years because Travis was very close to turning 31 and when I turned 30 I thought about that and when I turned 31 I realized that I’m older now. Even though he was born 3 years before me. And that was difficult.
D.A: Do you miss Travis?
J.A: I miss…I miss all of the good traits about him. Taken in that context, yes I do.
D.A: Fin.., you know I have to ask you. When you hear the words ‘Jodi Arias convicted killer’, what goes through your mind?
J.A: It’s a sinking feeling. Um… it’s something that I’ve known that was going to be..was a possibility for years leading up to trial but now that I am it’s heavy.
D.A: And you say it was self defense, but why such a violent killing? Why stab him so many times? Why slit his throat? Why shoot him?
J.A: I wish I could answer that. Um… the gunshot definitely came first so.. and that wasn’t intentional, that was, that was something that was not…I didn’t intend for that to happen. Um, the things which came afterward I don’t know. I blacked out. There’s… there’s been questions… I mean, certainly it was self defense. All I remember was the mortal terror I felt and…
D.A: Did you think you were gonna die that night?
J.A: Certainly. Yeah, that was the motivation for all of it.
D.A: This may sound harsh but a lot of people out there feel that the only true justice for Travis Alexander is for you to get a Death Sentence.
J.A: That’s not justice, that’s revenge.
D.A: What about revenge?
J.A: Well, if they believe in revenge then I guess I can understand that sentiment.
D.A: What we hear all the time is people getting upset that you seem very stone-faced, that we’re not seeing tears, that we’re not seeing remorse. How do you feel about that opinion?
J.A: Well, they’re entitled to their opinion, they are not in my shoes and they don’t know what I feel inside and they don’t know what I do when I go back to my cell and if I’m not crying in public, it doesn’t mean that I don’t cry when nobody’s watching. And additionally, I’m shell-shocked I’ve been through so much that it’s like a frayed nerve, it almost doesn’t work anymore. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings, of course I do and there are a lot of times…When I cry it tends to be private and it’s difficult for me to cry when others are present; I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want everyone coming up to me and saying ‘Are you OK?’ .And additionally when I cry they’re just gonna think my tears are fake anyways so …
D.A: There’s one more thing that I think is hard for the public and for Travis’ family and that’s that minutes after they convicted you of murder you said ‘Give me the Death Penalty’ and then today you changed your story.
J.A: Well I never said ‘Give me the Death Penalty’. I said I would prefer the Death Penalty and when I said that that was absolutely true. It’s kind of like, you know…My life is over, let’s move on .There’s eternity awaiting and that was my belief. And it’s still my belief that eternity awaits but eternity is always gonna be there. And it’s gonna be there whether I live another 70 years or 10 or 2 days. It’s gonna be there .But I can’t do that, the more… It’s after my cousin told me that ,she said ‘Don’t do that to your mom’ and I didn’t wanna hear that but it’s like.. I’m not gonna do that to my mom but to ask for death would be doing that to my family. In a sense it’s like, it’s almost like suicide, it’s like assisted suicide.
D.A: How did it feel to have intimate, very graphic pictures of you all over that courtroom for everyone, including your family, to see?
J.A: It’s indescribable, it’s awful. There is not a word to describe it but if you could think of ‘mortified’ to the 100th power; you just want to crawl under the table and disappear and I just wanted to shrink and melt away and… it’s…I can’t describe it, it’s extremely embarrassing to put it very mildly.
D.A: That was a really tortured relationship. If you really disliked him and if you really disliked the way he treated you why just stick around?
J.A: It’s so hard to get back to where I was then because I look back at myself then and I just wanna reach back in time and shake myself and tell myself ‘What are you doing? Go!’ and I just felt there was this hook inside of me and I couldn’t unhook myself and I felt like every time I made that attempt there were so many wonderful ways that I would get one back and I would be reminded of why I left him and those were the good times and it’s almost like it was …it was too good at times to just walk away.