Hey there, I feel like sharing this you, after all you are my friend. It’s been a bit of a sore subject for both of us in the past and sometimes it feels that it continues to be. But I hope you’ll understand where I am coming from. I really hope you can stretch your mind and heart for this and put yourself in my shoes for the moment. I’m not saying you have to stay there nor do you have to agree with me, but I think if you give it an honest and sincere effort you will surely understand the way I feel, and why it is I sometimes feel this way.
I know the tone of an email or text message can sometimes be ambiguous since the receiver is only interpreting what the tone of the sender would be if it were spoken, so please know that the spirit in which I send this is that of love, camaraderie and (?) (friendship).
Here goes …
I realized after further introspection why it is that I asked you to give me a little mention in your next post as credit for the task of editing and grammar and typing the lengthy thing out. Partly, it is obvious. You gave your friend Katie a mention, and that was just for the intro. Logically, I am your friend, too. Your first chapter is at length much longer, and so being the human that I am, it would make me feel good to have a little recognition thrown my way. But it goes deeper than that. I know I should be over this by now, and on most levels I am, really. But I feel that I never got the proper “credit” or recognition I deserved as your girlfriend. You say it is because you’re a private person. You say it was because of Deanna. You say it was because you were rather attached to the reputation of being a single, eligible bachelor. I understand all of that, I really do, and that’s okay, hon. I don’t harbor bad feelings over any of that stuff, I’m serious. You may be asking yourself why then the lengthy email detailing all of this if that is in fact the case? Well it’s good thing this is in “writing” because if that is your question it has already been answered in the first paragraph of this email. Refer back to it if you wish. But my cry for a little recognition comes from a place within me that feels it was never adequately gratified in that it thirsted to be validated not just as some girl friend that you associated with, but as your girlfriend. I wasn’t asking you to give me credit for all of your greatness, no. If I had anything to do with that then it was only a very tiny part, if at all. Though I was beginning to wonder if you were going to be the type to subscribe to the philosophy that behind every great man there is a great woman (I think that philosophy is a two-way street by the way).
I find myself now wishing to be recognized as your friend, and I think that comes from the fact that there is a hesitancy on your part to grant me that recognition within your circle of friends.
I am going to digress a bit but I am going to try to fit it all together. Either way this isn’t so much about flowing as it is purging.
About your mode of operation with Deanna, I both appreciated it and despised it at times. I could care less now. It was a double-edged sword for you, I know, for me, as well. If Deanna was happy, Travis was happy, Jodi was happy. True you didn’t want to deal with her interrogation and emotions and in large part, you wanted to protect her. Easily understandable for me having the soft heart that I do when it comes to matters of romance and broken hearts. Protecting her? That is very characteristic of your (?) caring considerate side. You’ve shown that to me as well on countless occasions. You are a bit of a people pleaser and that has been to my benefit and not. Again, it is a double-edged sword. You go out of your way to do things for me that will make me happy and you consider my feelings when doing certain things. I also realize it gets you tied up in certain ways, this incident about your blog namely, when you didn’t even want to give my name a mention because of the unwelcome crap and comments you receive by your friends, Chris and Sky Hughes. So there is a bit of people pleasing going on it seems with none of your friendships beyond just the spectrum of ours.
Well, I’m going to make it easier for you. Given our history and the fact that we’ve dated and all, if any of your friendships should take the back burner, it should be the one you have to hide from others. Don’t misunderstand me. Remember the spirit in which I am saying this. I value your friendship as one the greatest treasures I have ever had the fortune of having, having knowing and experiencing. Have I mishandled it in the past? Guilty. Both of our back records have been tarnished but that doesn’t diminish how much we value each other and the inherent divinity that is within us.
When you are scrutinized, criticized and question about being my friend that’s one thing. It hurts us both, yes, but it is easily rectified by standing strong and firm in defence of our friendship. You’ve done that plenty of times. Even perhaps when I was undeserving of such defence. But when you have to censor our friendship for fear of the criticism you will receive as a result of it, then it becomes awkwardly and embarrassingly apparent that something is not right, especially when all it is, is a friendship. A friendship. We’re not secret lovers. It’s a friendship.
I am proud to call you my friend. I even brag about you to whoever will listen to promote you, speak highly of you and give you all of the accolades you’ve ever deserved any chance I get. I’ve never had to hide our friendship from anyone. Never, I would publish it in major newspapers nationwide and broadcast it on syndicated radio and national television.
You see, I have no shame in being your friend. And if anyone ever tried to guilt me, judge me, criticized me, harass me or otherwise give me an ounce of crap over it, I would put them in their place so fast they would never think to open their mouths about on the subject again.
I’m not saying you should feel or do the same. But because I am your friend first and foremost and because I care very much about your happiness and well-being I think you would be better off if you had one less person to worry about pleasing. I am sure that you can agree with that much. It is so simple to please me, it really is (it’s the little things that just make my entire day) but I haven’t always made it easy for you.
So I’m going to be proactive and remove myself from the list of people you have to worry about pleasing. Still friends? Of course, silly! We’re not about to dissolve a friendship that was firmly formed almost 2 years ago (likely long before that in the grander scheme of things aka The Pre-Existence). But here I am with the proverbial scissors cutting the proverbial strings of our friendship. We remain friends only now because of our free will to do so, not because we feel as though we are still tied to each other and have to be because of some imagined obligation or nicety.
This I believe will make your life a lot less stressful and all around saner. If anything it will be a weight off of your shoulders, one you’ve shouldered like a champ, believe me. You’ve done more for me than some friends that I’ve known for nearly 20 years. I love you and I will always be here for you as your friend and confidant. Take comfort in that if it brings you any.
Faithfully Your Friend,
Travis’s blog, referenced in the email is still visible here: http://travisalexander.blogspot.co.uk
Jodi also had a blog, here: http://jodiarias.blogspot.co.uk